A legal DC neighborhood under the proposal. Photo by julochka on Flickr.

This article was posted as an April Fool’s joke.

The DC Office of Planning is revising their proposed zoning update after realizing that it does not properly respect the character of areas zoned as a “single-family neighborhoods.” Under the new draft, each such neighborhood will allow only one, single family per neighborhood.

DC has had successful experiences with such single-family neighborhoods, say officials, such as the Lafayette Square neighborhood, which contains only one family and is also one of DC’s most highly sought-after residences.

OP points to language in the DC Comprehensive Plan, such as a reference to “single-family zones” in policy LU-34, which it hadn’t been aware of because planning officials had never read the comprehensive plan. The Zoning Commission also clarified this distinction in its order of February 8, 1999, when it differentiated “multi-family zone districts” and “single-family zone districts.”

The activist group Neighbor for Neighborhood praised the change. “DC’s comprehensive plan promised to respect our neighborhoods, including those zoned as single-family,” said Bella Smith, the group’s founder. “Having other families nearby can create noise, trash, and other problems that impact our quality of life.”

Guinevere Stonefueler, Deputy Director for Development Review at the Office of Planning, explained that residents will be allowed to have any number of “domestic servants” as well as a matter of right on the property, so long as their quarters are less than 450 square feet, not taller than 10 feet, and not have a balcony that faces any other dwelling. Also, the building must have been constructed prior to 1880 or receive a “special exception” from the Board of Zoning Adjustment.

Historic Preservation Review Board member David Grahamsfather added in an email on the Chevy Chase listserv that having to see other buildings out the window of one’s house is contrary to the historic pattern of the city in these areas, such as in Chevy Chase prior to 1880. HPRB chair Margaret Sukseeder added that the plan will preserve the view from Virginia.

Councilmember Mario Koopa also praised the revised draft. “After speaking with constituents, we have been very concerned about the zoning proposals,” she said. “We feel it’s important for our residents to have the right to park any number of cars in front of their houses, and with more than one family in a neighborhood it’s possible that there might not be room if someone owns more than 50 cars.”

Streets in the new zones will also clearly not need sidewalks, since there will not be enough residents to utilize them.

Virginia resident Marshall Newman, one of the only two people permitted to be married in Virginia since the Commonwealth amended its constitution to limit marriage to one man and one woman in 2006, will join OP as a contractor to advise on how to implement the plan.

And Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli said in an interview that he will likely seek to impose a similar zoning regime in Democratic-leaning areas such as Arlington County and all parts of Prince William County with a large Latino population. This would make room for a new network of HOT lanes, one to every individual household, which the Commonwealth Transportation Board recently authorized using all of the money from the recently-passed transportation funding bill.

Supportive residents of Cleveland Park plan to seek a zoning overlay that would prevent any businesses from closing even as the population of the neighborhood declines to one family, expressing certainty that a zoning overlay would allow them to guarantee the type of neighborhood shopping strip they want.