Greater Greater Washington


Expedition returns from previously-uncharted Land of Mary

This article was posted as an April Fool's joke.

Word came over Instagram today that an expedition of H Street twenty-somethings in search of a downhill bike route to Columbia Heights have returned from what was previously thought to be uncharted land north of Washington, DC.

Amundsen and friends in New Columbia. Image from Twitter.

Friday night, 23-year-old social media producer Roald Amundsen and a group of friends set out from Little Miss Whiskey's at 11th & H NE on their fixed-gear bikes in search of the fabled Northwest Passage, which would allow them to reach Wonderland Ballroom at 11th & Kenyon NW without sweating as much.

"Our friends loudly and drunkenly told everyone that fixies are unusable in these regions and that their drink specials are rubbish," he said. "We shall see," he added. "We shall see."

However, the first sepia-toned images to surface on Amundsen's Twitter account appear to be of a settlement in the little-understood territory called the Land of Mary, located due north of the District. Until now, all that anyone knew about the Land of Mary is that it was home to a boring and cultureless race of people who piloted large, metal vehicles in an erratic fashion, ate crab cakes, and were the ancestral home of the rich kid in somebody's freshman year dorm at Oberlin.

Initially, Amundsen expressed dismay about the territory's strange inhabitants after crossing Eastern Avenue, long considered to be the end of civilization, into a village he dubbed New Columbia.

"They seemed on the whole to me, to be a very uncool people," he wrote in a tumblr post. "They all go completely without scarves and mustaches, even the men, though I saw one guy who looked like he might be a DJ."

Amundsen's lunch.

One day after landing in New Columbia, Amundsen claimed to have seen sidewalks, buildings far taller than any that exist in the District, and a grody dive bar in a basement. Around lunchtime Saturday, he tweeted photos of an Ethiopian restaurant.

"Eating tibs & injera at hole-in-the-wall with amazing smells. Theres like 100 of them on 1 block here in #unchartedterritory," he wrote.

By Sunday, Amundsen and his crew found New Columbia's three record stores and began to wonder if the uncouth villagers could be civilized. "It appears to me that the people are ingenious ... I am of opinion that they would like the new Yeasayer album," he wrote on his Facebook page. "If it's okay with my landlord, I intend to carry home six of them to crash at my place so we can listen to it on my record player."

While the savages of New Columbia, which Amundsen dubbed "Columbians," were flattered by the invitation to listen to records on the floor of Amundsen's English basement studio, they politely declined, citing job and family commitments.

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I hear in these parts that a land bridge has opened across the Great Water, into the land of a million virgins.

by SJE on Apr 1, 2013 12:32 pm • linkreport

In the land of the Virgins, there is also a great many temples to their god, Robert E. Lee. A great monument to Lee sits facing our land, surrounded by the tombs of the dead. Surely these people are to be feared. Perhaps they will remain peaceful, while we possess the great phallus of Washington.

by SJE on Apr 1, 2013 12:35 pm • linkreport

Pure gold.

by RDHD on Apr 1, 2013 1:11 pm • linkreport

Sorry, I don't believe you. Everyone knows that beyond the horizon lie the fabled Fields of Penn, where the lion may lie down with the lamb and a little child shall lead them all.

O, that I may someday see the glorious Fields!

by Ser Amantio di Nicolao on Apr 1, 2013 1:23 pm • linkreport

@ SJE:I hear in these parts that a land bridge has opened across the Great Water, into the land of a million virgins.

No no, that's dragons. There be dragons across the great green water. And across the little water, there are poor people.

A great monument to Lee sits facing our land, surrounded by the tombs of the dead.

Yeah, that trick was stolen from Jerusalem where the Golden Gate was closed to prevent the return of Jesus. Here, the people of the land of the virgins put up a field of zombies to prevent northerners from ever entering their territory again.

by Jasper on Apr 1, 2013 1:44 pm • linkreport

I've heard tale that if you head east into this land that you first come across a big expanse of water yet it is possible to cross. But if you continue east you travel through the realm of king Outlet and eventually come to a water where no land is visible beyond the horizon. They call it the ocean and the city there is named after it.

by drumz on Apr 1, 2013 1:45 pm • linkreport

Blasphemers! The land of Outlet is not ruled by King Outlet, but by those who worship the God of Shopping (peace be upon his 30% discounts). They celebrate many festivals where people from far and wide come to pay homage to their God. I hear that they have temples at the Mills of Arundel, and the Mills of Potomac, but am afraid to enter for fear of my credit rating.

by SJE on Apr 1, 2013 1:52 pm • linkreport

To look upon such wonder as the temple to the God of Shopping in the hills of the land of Virgins named in conjuction with the ancestors of Great General Lee.

Until then I shall travel to this city by the ocean and wear the vestments of a sleeveless neon shirt that bears the sacred incantation #YOLO.

by drumz on Apr 1, 2013 2:00 pm • linkreport

I assumed this was about West Hollywood at first.

by Alan B. on Apr 1, 2013 2:05 pm • linkreport

Maryland MaryLand Land of Mary Louise Mother of War see baby names and ceiling of Capitol 50% within

by Douglas Andrew Willinger on Apr 1, 2013 3:08 pm • linkreport

@ SJE:They celebrate many festivals where people from far and wide come

I have been present at such a savage feast. They had arcane-looking devices that were - apparently - used to deliver pumpkins to out-of-state buyers via air. It was a spectacle to behold, but I must say that the delivery often was more pumpkin pie than pumpkin.

by Jasper on Apr 1, 2013 3:14 pm • linkreport

I'm trying to get people to call the Potomac River the Narrow Sea. Anyone with me?

by Tim on Apr 1, 2013 3:58 pm • linkreport

@ Tim: I'm trying to get people to call the Potomac River the Narrow Sea. Anyone with me?

Then what is the Anacostia?

I would call the Anacostia a sea (of change) and the Potomac an Ocean (beyond which there be dragons).

by Jasper on Apr 1, 2013 4:21 pm • linkreport

I see Jasper, that you have observed their machines of war.

by SJE on Apr 1, 2013 7:03 pm • linkreport

@ SJE:I see Jasper, that you have observed their machines of war.

If those were machines of war, I say: Let's invade them and bring their god of no-sales tax here.

by Jasper on Apr 2, 2013 9:51 am • linkreport

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