The National Shrine, already the tallest building in Brookland, will also be the shortest. Photo by Alan Cordova.

This article was posted as an April Fool’s joke.

The DC Office of Planning has released a new Small Area Plan for the Brookland neighborhood that calls for converting the entire neighborhood to open space. The plan will set maximum allowable heights of 0 feet and adjust the permitted FAR to 0.

“We heard the message loud and clear from the ANC,” said Ward 5 Planner Deborah Ostrich. “Vocal residents expressed a desire to maximize the amount of open space in the neighborhood, and this plan does this.” All houses will have to comply with the new zoning by 2015. At that time, the plan assures that riders getting off at the Brookland Metro station will not have any structures blocking their view.

Residents will be able to remain in their homes provided the buildings have basements. DC zoning laws allow for small penthouses provided they are set back at least ten feet from all property lines. Brookland residents will be able to take advantage of this rule to construct penthouses for entry and exit.

DDOT will also remove all obstructions to automobile traffic, including curbs, bulb-outs, and medians. “This plan will ensure that residents no longer have to circle the block to reach the parking lot for the Yes! Organic Market on 12th Street,” said ANC Commissioner Carolyn Jumpfoote. Residents had criticized DDOT’s previous design for the streetscape, which created a median blocking some left turns and bulb-outs which allegedly reduced the number of parking spaces. Residents will also no longer be constrained by such impediments as sidewalks and corners, but will instead be able to choose the shortest route to their destination. The new transportation plan will ensure no obstacles block emergency vehicles.

Councilmember Harry Thomas, Jr. (Ward 5) praised the new plan, especially the section on accessory structures, which will permit gas station pumps as long as they do not exceed six feet in height. “DC has lost many of its gas stations in the last ten years,” he said. “We need to create an incentive for more full service gas stations in the District of Columbia.” The Small Area Plan allows any property to contain small structures under six feet covering no more than 15% of the lot.